The Journal
by fehrbehrbaby
Summary: After Graduation, Maria keeps a Journal about her life, her love and her future, past and present.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Journal

Author: fehrbehrbaby

Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell or any of the characters in it though I would gladly borrow Michael any day of the week. Cant promise I'll return him though!

Rating: M, for future content

Couples: Michael and Maria

Summary: Set straight after graduation. Maria writes a journal.

Author's Notes: Reviews are welcome, they make me smile :-) plus they keep me writing more chapters.

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Christmas 2002

We stopped at a cheap motel Christmas Eve in preparation for a 'slap up meal' on Christmas Day. The 'slap up meal' turned out to be a burger and chips at the $5 buffet cart, but I wouldn't swap this Christmas for any other. I'd bought you copies of the Metallica CDs you'd left behind and you'd bought me this beautiful journal and a silver charm bracelet which you've promised to buy me a charm for, for the rest of your life – you don't know that bit yet though.

Anyways, we left the day after Christmas. We can't stop in one place for too long in case we get spotted. It's not that bad being on the road…so long as I have you and Liz. I thought I would hate it, I mean travelling in a van for the rest of my life with nowhere to plug in my straightners or no door to slam when I'm angry at you sounded like hell, but its really not that bad.

Max is driving and Liz is resting her head on his shoulder, I watch how he gently places a kiss atop her head when he thinks no one is looking. Isabel and Kyle are both asleep and you're being your usual self and trying everything to get my attention. You have no tact, spaceboy! We're in a van jam packed with people and you're still trying to get into my pants!

January 2003

It's been little under a month since I wrote here. Kyle and Max had a very heated argument over whether Kyle could contact his dad. Apparently, Isabel dream walked the Sheriff and found that he wasn't holding out too well. Max refused Kyle's pleas to call to check on him…we haven't seen Kyle for two weeks.

We were staying at the Pine Tree lodge somewhere in Nebraska, Kyle bunked in with Isabel for the night but in the morning he was gone leaving only a note. He said he was tired of running, tired of following orders. I understood what he meant.

Liz and me begged Max to turn round to find him, but he wouldn't. He said it was better that way, if Kyle needed to leave then he needed to leave. I think Max was secretly upset and felt extremely guilty, if it wasn't for him; there'd be six people in this van tonight instead of five.

February 2003

Liz is driving and I'm sat next to her, we've been talking non stop for the last two hours and I know if I could hear you from all the way up front you'd be telling me to shut up! I check in the rear view mirror, you're playing checkers with Max. I think he's winning!

You look up at me and smile that awkward smile you seem so accustomed to. I know you cant do anything about our situation, I'm not asking you to. I just wish we were somewhere other than where we are. We haven't seen a motel room in a week, we're tired, bored and you can sense the tension in the air, still. It's been a month since Kyle left and I don't think Max and Liz are holding up too well, Liz constantly blaming Max for Kyle's disappearance.

I think Isabel's hurting the most. Her and Kyle seemed to get on so well over the last few months. First Jesse left, now Kyle…I think she's secretly waiting for the other two men in her life to up and leave. I notice how alone she feels, watching you and me bicker, then make up, bicker then make up again. Watching Liz and Max try to rekindle something they seem to have lost in the last few weeks.

I hope Kyle is ok.

March 2003

We're just about to come up to the Iowa – Illinois border. We managed to wangle a separate double room last night after weeks of arguing over it with Liz and Max. Money's getting tighter, but I don't think any of us could cope with another night where all five of us are crammed into such a small space. We had some _alone _time for the first time in so long I swear I almost forgot how to _be _with you again.

It was so amazing waking up next to you this morning, being able to hold you the way we used to back home in Roswell, without fear of anyone walking in on us. You're getting tired I can tell, in fact you're really starting to worry me. I felt you leave the bed in the middle of the night and spotted you standing guard by the window. I've gotten used to running for my life now Michael, I feel sometimes that if its going to happen, then its going to happen, there is little we can do about anything anymore.

You're smiling at me again, that smirk that means you're remembering something, probably from last night if I could hazard a guess. You win me over every time Guerin.

April 2003

You saw something last night, you're holding off telling the others until we can figure it out. I don't understand what is happening to me…to us. When we were first dating I used to get these vibes of energy, tingling sensations coursed throughout my body whenever we touched. These feelings are different now though. They hurt Michael.

Max has noticed something very odd, how we're not being our usual selves anymore. You're building back those stonewalls; cant wait to tell me you told me so. You're hurting me Michael, something you always knew deep down you would do. I don't blame you though; these feelings make me remember I'm still alive.

May 2003

We figured out why these feelings hurt so much and then you fixed it…just like that. I'm scared though Michael more scared than I thought I would ever be in this situation. We still haven't told anybody about this, but at least we resemble something of normality. We've barely spoken to anyone else this last couple of weeks, fearing we may let slip our secret.

You've told me you're unsure what the rest of them would say, you've told me that although this is one of the best things in the world that could've happened to you, its also come at the worst possible time.

The feelings of hurt weren't because you were hurting me, but the fact that the small being growing inside of me was wary of you. She was just trying to protect me it was her defence mechanism. You can see that now cant you?

June 2003

It's been two weeks since we left them in the Highway motel in Kentucky. We're heading west now towards Missouri. I'm not entirely sure where you're taking me but I would suggest we start heading north soon, we're being dragged way too close to home and it wont be safe.

We left them a small note, just like Kyle. We still didn't tell them about the baby, we knew they'd follow us and make us stay with them. You're frightened though, I can tell. You say it would be only a matter of time before the baby would lead them to us, to all of us.

We've sacrificed our security Michael, our safety…to go on the run on our _own._

I'm as big as a house right now. I think its safe to say we won't be expecting a nine-month pregnancy. I don't know what we're going to do when the time actually comes, but I'm with you and I suppose that's the best it's going to get. Don't get me wrong; I know you'll look after us, but now more than ever am I frightened that something will come to take you away from me…from us.

July 2003

We've stopped in a motel for the night, you wont allow me to drive and you've been driving non-stop for the last week and a half. Everything we had you've thrown away so not to tie us back to the rest of them. Cell phones have gone, bank accounts cleaned out, I'm wondering what the hell is next.

You're lying on your side facing me with your hand slightly rubbing my swelling tummy. She lets you hold me now, lets you see her. I'm glad for that at least, I don't think I could cope with anymore of her defence tactics. She's finally let you in, learnt to trust you, to get to know you and the fact you'll be staying around.

She needs you now Michael, more than anything, cos I cant give her the energy she needs on my own to keep her growing. You said you get flashes from her, I told you not to be so ridiculous, that you couldn't possibly get flashes from something so tiny, so wrapped up inside of me.

You proved you weren't lying.

We were in a park, she was sat on a swing and you were pushing her. The sun was shining so brightly I could feel its warmth on my cheek even in that dingy motel room. You were laughing, she was giggling demanding to go higher. Not too high I hope, I don't want her to ever leave to go to Antar.

August 2003

I don't know how you managed it, but I'm so glad you did. Kyle has been such a saint these last couple of days. He just showed up one day, saying he thought he'd _drop _by. You joked and told me you didn't have a clue, but I know you spaceboy, I know you.

You've just gone out to get some groceries and a new crib for the baby. We've been living in this small apartment in Topeka, Kansas for the last three weeks. I've managed to develop my 'mind block' all by myself now. That's how we've managed to keep Max and the others away, you're sure Isabel tried to dreamwalk you once but your dream self kicked ass and told her where to go.

Kyle's dad is fine, misses us all but he's fine. I'm glad for that, I don't know how I'd cope knowing our only link to keeping bad ass FBI agents from torturing our parents were to disappear from our lives altogether.

Kyle's thinking of sticking around, he even went so far as to check whether there were any apartments for rent in the same block as us. Its so nice to have him around, don't get me wrong I love my time with you I wouldn't wish it to be anyone else, but I miss my friends. He's the only real link I have back to Liz, I would be devastated if he upped and left again.

September 2003

Molly Deluca-Guerin was born at 5.03am Thursday August 21st on the living room floor of apartment 16a Tribeca Apartments Topeka. In attendance were Dad and Uncle Kyle, apologies to Aunty Liz, Uncle Max and Aunty Isabel.

You haven't left her alone all this time, you're constantly picking her up and putting her down again just to test that she's real, I think. You say she looks just like me, but I can tell that baby girl has the dark brown eyes that can melt anything and anyone. You're so proud you tell me that 10 times a day, I swear one more time and I will throw this goddamn journal at your head.

You've got a job, well done you! You're working at the local art gallery for a very peculiar artist but I'm certainly not complaining when you bring home the paycheck. Kyle's taken to living three doors down, but he may as well live here the amount of times he's round. He works at a local mechanics, one day he says, he's going to be his own boss and have the best-darned car mechanics in this city.

Molly and me just laugh, though his dream isn't that far away from yours. I see you eyeing up every opportunity to open your own studio, and one-day babe you will, I just know it.

November 2003

Well, it's been a year since I started writing and nearly 2 months since I last wrote in this thing. Molly has been keeping us extremely occupied so I just haven't had the chance. Kyle's moved in with us now so that we can pool all the money together rather than share it between two apartments. I think he's regretting it already, what with Molly screaming the place down and our constant bickering.

We're not that bad, well not nearly as bad as we used to be, but the snapping and the spatting keeps us on our toes, it reminds us of the people we used to be but it also reminds us of the people we're missing.


	2. Chapter 2

Christmas 2003

This has to be the best Christmas I have ever spent with you Spaceboy!

Molly is in her crib asleep and Kyle has gone out on a date with a medical student can you believe?! I always thought that Kyle would go for someone much more trashy, after all, all he's after so he tells me is a bit of a fling.

The tree is up in preparation for tomorrow's activities, its so nice to have a tree. Something you take for granted back home but when you're on the run it's the most special tree in the world. We decorated it together, a tradition I'm hoping will stick with us for the rest of our lives. Another part of the tradition your begging to withhold is the mini blow up alien I now have on my tree in place of an angel. That's so not gonna happen spaceboy! One of these days that little alien is going to get into an accident with a drawing pin I can tell ya!

We haven't got that much money so everything we could afford has gone on Molly. She's our present this year.

You are such a great Dad my entire being beams at the sight of the two of you together. You two share a secret, a history and I'm only watching on the sidelines. True I've developed alien powers, mainly those that can be used to protect Molly, Max would laugh if he knew, my powers are even better than yours, but I'll never have that legacy running through my veins.

At this moment in time I am just learning how to mind warp the way Tess used to, yesterday I made you think Max had come back to kick your ass but just as he was about to punch you he disappeared! One of these days I'll be able to hold out the hallucinations for much longer and hopefully use them against nasty FBI agents should they ever find us.

We seem to have blended in well with the local community. Everyone is so lovely here but we're having to keep our guards about us all the time which could come across a little rude. Your hair is shorter, the way it was when we found out about Laurie. Mine is longer and I've opted to be a brunette for a little while. I'm not so sure you like it though whenever we're alone it takes you two seconds to change it back to blonde again!

Kyle told us yesterday that Isabel tried to dreamwalk him, I think he lied to her, told her he was in Las Cruces so not to give away our location.

Oops, Molly has woken up. You're looking at me with that look that suggests its my turn. I'm sure I'm getting the raw deal here!

January 2004

I'm getting the January blues. Christmas is always a time of happiness and joy yet its all over in an instant. You're at work, Kyle's at work and I'm stuck inside with a screaming baby. Will she ever shut up?

March 2004

I love waking up in the mornings with you just before Molly wakes up, its at these times when we get the best out of our situation. We haven't really slept with each other as much as we used to and I think a lot of that has to do with how tired we are looking after Molly every day. She takes so much out of us but I wouldn't swap her.

There are times when I think that life would be much more easier and safer had we not had Molly. I often wonder where we'd be if she wasn't here; maybe with the others. I always wonder where they are.

You're getting ready for work, flashing that smile that tells me you're not done with me yet; I'll be waiting when you get home like I always am spaceboy. Maybe tonight Kyle will take Molly to see his new girlfriend so we can have a couple of hours to ourselves. We should be so lucky!

She's growing so fast, I almost feel like I blink and I miss something. She isn't talking yet but I'm trying my hardest to persuade her to say Mommy first!

You kiss my forehead as I try to hide this journal from your sight. I'm not ready to show you this yet, and I think you respect that. One day when we're old and grey I'll show it to you. It'll be full of stories of our life, a life we'll share together.

April 2004

I really want to go to work. I'm so bored sat here in this small apartment all day with nothing to do. I think I've taken Molly to the park more times that the park ranger patrols it!

You brought home the most beautiful painting from work yesterday, something you said you'd been working on for a while. It was of a beautiful woman, with long golden curls and startling green eyes dressed in a white dress. Cradling in her arms was a beautiful little girl. Behind the figures were rays of bright light. You said you'd painted it for us, for me and Molly because we were the light in your life. I'm sure it was just a tactic to get me into bed…but it worked!

July 2004

We have just returned from our first proper vacation. We went to Florida for two weeks and it was pure bliss. We even managed to steal some time away for ourselves whilst Kyle and Penny took Molly to Disney World.

I think Penny is the one for Kyle – he hasn't admitted it yet but I know she is. He hasn't told her about our little secret and I don't think he ever will. He has powers but not enough to really class himself as a member of the alien group, besides the only reason he's anything resembling alien is down to Max, I don't really think he needs to tell her.

Molly is really growing, she's making the most peculiar noises and your sure she's saying Daddy – I'd beg to differ.

It was so lovely having you around for those two weeks. You've been working so hard and I feel so awful that I'm not contributing financially. You tell me not to be so ridiculous, that of course I'm contributing – you even complimented me on the most fantastic job I have been doing raising Molly, which in itself was harder than he could ever imagine. What are you after spaceboy?!

August 2004

Its Molly's first birthday, you brought home a cake yesterday with a lonely candle in it. Her face lit up so brightly when she saw that today, a soft giggle escaped her lips.

Kyle took a picture of this scene playing out in front of his eyes. He wants to send it back to Roswell but you refused. We cant even tell our family about our little family, and that's what hurts the most. No one knows about Molly except us. She is missing out on having so much and they're missing out on having her in their lives.

Its been over a year since we last saw Max, Liz and Isabel. We have no idea where they are and we have no way of contacting them. Luckily we've been ok here in Kansas. We've made a home, a happy home here.

I love that I'm here with you and Kyle and Molly, but I miss them Michael. I miss having my best friend.

Your shrieks of laughter lift me out of my darkened mood. You're swinging Molly round the living room, so much so I know she's gonna be sick the minute you put her down. Why do I feel the need to revert back to the past? To thinking about everything we've lost when we have so much in our future?

October 2004

We're on the move again today. I have no idea where we're heading. Kyle thought he saw Max the other day, he didn't go up to him or anything just stared after him but that was enough for you to make the decision that we had to leave.

Molly's asleep in the car seat in the back of Kyle's SUV. I'm sitting next to her, staring out at the black night sky wondering again what's in store for us?

You're driving, Kyle has the map. You know exactly where we're going but never give me the decency to let me in on that. I don't hate you for making us do this, I hate you for keeping our destination a secret. We shouldn't have secrets Michael. They cause more damage than good.


	3. Chapter 3

Christmas 2004

We've settled on Portland Oregon, its taken us months to get here, stopping here, there and everywhere along the way. We're leasing a small three bed roomed apartment in the city. You say its better to stay where there are loads of people, that way we can just blend in.

You packed up all your art stuff to work security in the local mall. You're not happy, I can tell. You'd much rather be painting but we need the money and there just isn't any 'arty' jobs out there. I've begged you to let me work, but you don't want Molly to be left with just 'anybody'. You're falling asleep on the couch next to me although you'd promised tonight would just be about you and me. At this moment in time, it just seems to be about me.

Christmas Day 2004

You woke up early to set up all the presents under the tiny tree. We haven't got much this year but I don't think Molly really minds, she's more interested in the cardboard box that Kyle's punch bag came in. Right now it's a car, five minutes ago it was a spaceship – I think that was more for Daddy's amusement than Molly's.

I've been peeling carrots and potatoes all morning getting ready for the huge feast that'll last 4 hours and 55 minutes shorter than it took to make the darn thing. We've decorated the apartment in the last few days to resemble something of a home rather than a warehouse. I have to admit I kinda liked the way it looked when we first moved in here, reminded me of your apartment in Roswell. I was half expecting to get an angry knock on the door from my mother pulling me out of your bed with my hair.

But she isn't here, none of them are except you and Kyle. You're my family now and although its much smaller than I would have liked, its mine…all mine.

Summer 2005

Wow, its been so long since I've wrote here. Nothing really exciting has happened if I'm honest. We've just been preparing for Molly's upcoming 2nd birthday.

You finally felt that it was safe to tell my mom about her. We visited her in a dream about three weeks ago, told her about Molly and how we've been. She looks tired and sad, my heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces when I saw her. She cried, as did me and Molly. I think my mom has gotten to like you now Michael, especially seen as she knows we're both being well looked after.

You have seen this cute little commercial space down town, you have high hopes and aspirations of turning this into a little studio and gallery. You took me and Molly to see it yesterday and I gotta say, I'm impressed. It's gonna cost us a bit to put down but you've promised it'll be well worth it when you start making some buck. I have every faith in you, spaceboy.

November 2005

I have this awful feeling that we're losing touch with each other Michael.

Its been so long since you've been home and stayed awake long enough to have more than a five minute conversation with me. I feel that I am slowly but surely losing you. You've become so consumed in your work, trying to make a success of yourself and your little gallery, me and Molly seem to be pushed to the sidelines.

You've been away for the last couple of nights, I think you're in Houston. You've got a meeting with some huge hotelier; he's seen your paintings and has commissioned you to do some more for all his flagship hotels. You're so excited and I guess I am too. But this will mean more work, and more time away from your family. I'm not so sure how many more lonely nights I can take.


End file.
